why your dates don't turn intimate

Every guy knows they shouldn't act like “just friends” with women they're romantically interested in.

They've been told to avoid the dreaded friend zone for the last decade. They understand they have to flirt with women to ignite attraction. They get that they can't just hang out with a girl for months and hope she'll magically feel chemistry.

Yet despite their best efforts…why do so many men still struggle to create intimate connections?

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Every week, men come to me claiming that they've tried everything. Yet somehow, things haven't progressed sexually with the women they date. At most, they might get a kiss but then girls still end up telling them they “just don't feel that spark.”

And then the connections fizzle out.

If this has happened to you once or twice, you can often chalk it up to incompatibility. But if this keeps happening, no matter what you do, it's usually due to one or more of these four reasons.

1. You Wait Too Long To Move Things Forward

Attraction is fleeting. You have a short window of time to take your shot before a woman will move on.

If you wait too long, a woman may lose interest. Or she'll think you're not interested in her and feel rejected. Or she'll question whether or not there was a between you two in the first place.

And if there's another guy pursuing her, she may turn her attention towards him instead.

However long you normally take to move things forward with a new woman — you probably should speed it up.

  • Don't keep texting back and forth for a week or two before setting up a call or a date. Instead, write more personal, emotional messages to get past small talk. Then invite her to get together during the first or second set of messages.
  • Don't wait to flirt until those calls or dates happen, either. Show your interest well before then and build sexual tension. Tell her what you like about her or tease her about how she's totally hitting on you right now.
  • Don't go on multiple dates before going for a kiss or inviting a girl back to your place. If you're feeling attracted to her, show her within that or two.

Waiting almost always works against you. We all know rather quickly how we feel about someone and whether or not we're open to exploring an intimate connection.

94% of women want a guy to compliment their physical appearance on a first date.

At least 50% of women are open to kissing a guy on a first date and 71% are down with a kiss on the cheek. Another study shows it only takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to know if we're attracted to someone.

Does that mean every woman will be ready that soon? Of course not.

But if you're trying to give yourself the best odds of creating an intimate connection, lead with your sexual intentions. Then let her tell you if she needs more time.

Don't sit around waiting for the perfect moment…it might just pass you by.

2. You're Not Being Bold Enough

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If a woman is going to be intimate with you, she needs to be aroused and able to imagine sex with you. Yes: steamy, sweaty sex with two people moaning and gyrating like the animals they are.

It's raw, primal, and dirty in all the beautiful ways.

I'm not saying you should be vulgar with a woman you just met, but you also can't be a forgettable, meek guy.

When I ask men how they drop hints that they find a woman attractive, they say things like “you're so cute” or “you're just adorable”. She's not your niece, she's a woman you want to get naked with!

It's OKAY to tell her that you think she's sexy. It's OKAY to say that you find one of her qualities to be the hottest part about a woman.

When you're trying to get more physically close to a woman, don't graze her shoulder and think that your seduction is complete.

You need to eventually get more physical in more personal ways — with a hand on her back, with the sides of your legs touching while sitting close, or with your forearms gently touching while talking.

She needs to get comfortable with these simple touches first if she's going to rip your clothes off later.

If you're trying to get into more intimate discussions, don't ask her about her experiences with online and expect to get her all hot and bothered. You've got to ask sexually charged questions.

Ask her, “What's your secret bedroom fantasy?” “Where's the most adventurous place you've hooked up?” “How important is a sexual connection to you?” “Where do you love to be touched the most?”

By doing this, women are more likely to dig into their sexual arousal with you.

One client had been talking to a girl for a month. They had some playful, almost friendly, teasing but not much more. He loves data science and one day asked her if she had seen Pornhub's insights (their annual report with fascinating findings from their user data).

That one question sparked a long conversation about porn and their individual interests. The next day, they had phone sex.

A few days later, she couldn't wait any longer to see him. So they met up, hooked up, and immediately moved the connection forward.

Most women, especially those with any kind of experience, are not delicate flowers. They know why you're with them.

They want to feel desired and they want to get turned on.

3. You Only Tell, Not Show Your Interest

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There's a golden rule in writing that says “show, don't tell”. It means you want a reader to experience the story through the characters' actions instead of you just stating the facts outright.

We make strong emotional connections to vivid, powerful storytelling. We hardly remember anything when it's written as cold data in a textbook.

The same goes for dating. Women make strong emotional connections to men who show their sexual interest through confident actions, like going for a spontaneous kiss. They don't feel the same spark with guys who ask, “Excuse me, can I kiss you now?”

This is why it doesn't usually work to act like a friend for weeks and then randomly say, “I really like you.” You haven't painted a picture for her of how you feel about her. Instead, you just said it in a non-exciting, factual way.

Arousal is an emotion a woman must feel on her own, usually in response to a man's behaviors. And she feels it when a man confidently shows his desire (through flirting) for her.

You telling her that you like her conveys your intentions, but it doesn't necessarily arouse her in the moment. It doesn't create those butterflies and ignite the sexual tension that something exciting is going to happen.

So again, you need to show her the passion and strength of your desire for her.

You should compliment her on some quality you find attractive about her, rather than just saying you like her in general. And you should hold eye contact a little longer when you do, to show the strength behind your statement.

You should invite her to a late night drink and tell her that you can't wait to see her smile in person, rather than stating “it's a date”.

You should get closer to her when you're hanging out. You should let your touch linger a little longer. You should look down at her lips, gently pull her towards you, and lean in slowly to kiss her.

Taking your time to do this conveys to her that you want to kiss and she can turn away if she's not ready.

You should ask her more intimate questions about sex, sexuality, and attraction that you'd be excited to discuss. You don't need to ask her if she's interested in you as more than a friend. You'll know by her answering those questions.

All these behaviors imply your interest in her without needing to spell it out. They build anticipation and are fun, arousing hints at what's to come.

4. You Flirting Romantically And Not Sexually

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There's a difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction.

Sexual attraction is the desire for physical intimacy with someone. Romantic attraction is the desire to pursue a more involved romantic relationship.

For men, much of our initial sexual attraction is based on physical appearance. If we find a woman beautiful, then we are likely to keep exploring a romantic connection as well (unless she shows you some really unappealing values).

For women, their initial sexual attraction is based on the emotional experience they share with a man. Physical appearance is just a doorway to exploring more.

They might find a guy handsome, but that doesn't mean they're turned on enough to sleep with him.

But once a man confidently leads and flirts, women will start to feel that “chemistry” — aka sexual attraction.

They will want to get more intimate and open themselves up to a deeper connection. After that, they will develop stronger romantic feelings and then consider a relationship.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys focus on the romantic attraction too soon and completely ignore the sexual attraction. Let me explain…

You go on a couple of dates with a girl you find attractive. You're totally into her and think you just need to show your romantic feelings to make her feel the same way.

You text her good morning with pet names like sweetie or cutie. You try to hold hands while walking down the sidewalk. You ask her about her hard day at work and get her to vent about her problems.

Right away, you tell her you're not going to see anyone else. You start talking about future plans or a trip together.

You're treating her like your wife of ten years rather than the new flame that you're crazy about.

You haven't even given her a chance to get turned before discussing your future together. You're putting her in a position where she has to make a big commitment before she really knows how she feels about you. This can feel overwhelming and scary.

If a woman is going to consider an exclusive relationship, you have to be the one guy that will fulfill her intimate needs. So she needs to know and feel that you two will have amazing sexual experiences for the foreseeable future.

Sexual attraction needs to come before romantic attraction, not after.

Key Takeaways

  • Act quickly to flirt and escalate physically. Women aren't on dates to make friends. Wait too long to make a move and she may lose interest or question the connection.
  • Don't be too meek in your flirting and compliments. Be bold and polarizing when conveying your sexual interest. Her feeling something is better than her feeling nothing.
  • Show interest through actions rather than just stating you like her. Get closer, touch her, hold romantic eye contact, and ask intimate questions that arouse sexual tension.
  • Focus first on building sexual attraction, not romantic feelings. Don't jump into “relationship” behavior too fast without establishing intimacy. If she can't imagine kissing you, she definitely won't date you.

Be decisive. Be brave. Be a man of action. And be a sexual being.

Embrace these core elements of an intimate connection and be seen as more than a friend.

I believe this article was helpful to you and that you enjoyed every bit of it. Please feel free to leave us a comment below if you have any. 

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